There Is No Global Warming

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

Hello folks. Nice to see so many fur coats on this pleasant summer day.

We have told you before that my administration is never going to lie to you. And I believe that we haven't. We told you many times there is no such thing as global warming. We have a global WAR — on terrorism — that is, but no global WARming. At least I don't think so.

What we have is very hot weather in France. Some call it France brulée. Thousands have died from the heat there. Let this be a warning to all those bad people around the world who get caught on the wrong side in the global war on terrorism.

And there is a drought in China. Well, those Chinese have done a very good job making profits for my friends and associates in business.

But I believe that, in their capital over there, in Beijing, they are still godless communists underneath it all.

We may need those folks over there to negotiate with North Korea, but I'll tell you, I don't believe they have a single monument to the Ten Commandments in their courthouses.

Here at home, the Democrats say that some of our allies are suffering. And maybe they are. The Eye-talians, for example do suffer. That concerns me greatly, since they are under their great leader and my good friend Silver Berryscone. So my heart goes out to our Eye-talian friends, folks.

And our Spanish allies are suffering, which I'm sure will come as bad news for some of you Mexican voters States-side. Mucho bad. And the Portuguese have lost a lot of people to the heatwave, even though I don't recall where they stand in the war on terrorism.

But our Danish friends are enjoying unseasonably good weather. No wonder, our Danish friends have troops in Eye-raq helping us bring democracy to the Eye-raqi people and find weapons of mass destruction and nucular weapons and so on.

Danish households, Danish consumers can now save a lot of money because they can now spend vacations close to home instead of going to all those expensive, but burning hot French beaches.

On the other hand, here in this country, we've largely solved the problem of this global warming thing. The folks in New York, who recently gave us a good example on how to cope with that blackout they had over there, they didn't even need air conditioning.

And I personally spent a very pleasant month in Texas playing some very good rounds of golf and clearing quite abit of the evil bush.

Well, some people might say that there is a drought in the Midwest. They complain that our fellow citizens can't take their fishing boats on the river during their vacations because water levels are many feet below normal.

They say it's not to worry. But I have already instructed Governor Ridge to take care of it. And so he did, by declaring a drought emergency in 55 of Pennsylvania's 67 counties.

All of this goes to show why I believe it is an exaggeration calling this a global warming. And my administration will not rest until every citizen of this nation will stop calling it that. God bless you. God bless America.