What Trump Really Said to Ukraine’s President

Editors note: While the Trump administration has released a version of what might have been said, the whistleblower’s testimony now underscores the fact that vital parts have been redacted out! Therefore, we commend the version below to our readers. It is bound to be much closer to the ultimate truth than what has materialized so far.

POTUS:

President Zelensky, I want to congratulate you on your election. Very impressive.

And I hear that you were a huge TV star like me, you did comedy before you went into politics. That’s a fabulous background, believe me. Everyone makes a big deal about how you need experience in government, but that’s baloney. If you’re great on TV, you know how to reach people, okay?

It’s a beautiful feeling to win big, isn’t it? You know, I won by a landslide in the Electoral College, largest margin in our history, just fantastic.

Let me ask, how big was your crowd at your inauguration? Mine was gigantic, the largest crowd we’ve seen in Washington. Ever.

Zelensky:

Thank you very much, Mr. President, I appreciate your kind words. I’ve always admired you, and I hope that I can meet you very soon, in the Oval Office.

That would help improve the image of my country. And as you know, we could use help — we have many problems in Ukraine. For instance, that military aid we usually get from you….

POTUS:

You know, I don’t spend very much time in the Oval Office. I mean, the desk is nice — good for photos, sure — but I’m very busy and I like to get out of Washington, there are too many Democrats here.

I have a lot of campaign rallies around the country. Everybody wants to hear me speak, even in California.

And frankly, the Oval Office is an OK room, but pretty simple. Have you seen a picture of my living room in Trump Tower? Now, that’s impressive, lots of marble and chandeliers, like Versailles.

But speaking of help, maybe you could do me a little favor. I’d like you to meet with Rudy Giuliani, who’s been spending time looking at some things in Ukraine. I’m sure you’ve heard of him. By the way, you don’t mind if I call you Vol, do you?

Zelensky:

Not at all, may I call you Don—

POTUS:

Mr. President.

Zelensky:

Yes, of course, Mr. President, of course. This Mr. Giuliani, he works for the State Department?

POTUS:

No, he’s not one of those moron government lawyers. He’s much more important — he’s my personal attorney. He’s my guy, and one of the best lawyers in the world.

Hello, are you still there, Vol?

Zelensky:

Yes, Mr. President. So, what would Mr. Giuliani like to talk about? And when can I meet with you and him in Washington?

POTUS:

Like I said, I’m tied up with all these rallies. Rudy is busy, too, but he can go to Ukraine to meet with you and your people. We can arrange that very quickly.

Zelensky:

I see. And what would he like to discuss with us?

POTUS:

Well, Vol, you have to admit, you have a problem with corruption in your country. I think we can help you with that. You see, we know that Joe Biden’s son Hunter has been doing some shady stuff in Ukraine.

Hunter’s a real loser by the way, even worse than Sleepy Joe, and that’s saying something.

Zelensky:

But I don’t see…

POTUS:

Rudy can explain it to you better than me, but basically Joe was trying to help his son avoid some trouble in Ukraine.

Now, it’s fine for a father to look out for a son…my dad helped me a bit when I was starting out…though I made it into the big time and he never did. He stayed in Queens, didn’t ever build anything in Manhattan.

Zelensky:

I still don’t understand, what does that have to do with…

POTUS:

Like I said, you meet with Rudy, he’ll make it clear. Basically, Joe was trying to keep the cops off Hunter’s back. One of your prosecutors was investigating the company Hunter was working with, because he knew that the guys running it were corrupt.

Zelensky:

Mr. President, I think there is a misunderstanding here. It was the prosecutor who was making trouble, by asking for bribes. That is why he left office.

POTUS:

Vol, sorry, that’s a fake story the CIA planted. When you see him, Rudy can give you the true facts.

Zelensky:

OK, let me think about this. In the meantime, my generals have told me that they haven’t received the latest shipment of military aid from the United States. We desperately need this. The Russians are stepping up their attacks in the east…

POTUS:

Yeah, well, this has nothing to do with the military aid. Nothing. In fact, I don’t even want to talk about military aid….maybe for quite a while.

Zelensky:

I see…So, when could Mr. Giuliani come to Kiev?

POTUS:

You know, Kiev’s a great city and I love that chicken dish. I almost built a hotel there, twice. We should talk about doing a deal there, if I decide to stop being President sometime.

Zelensky:

Certainly, we would be greatly honored to see “Trump” in our skyline.

POTUS:

I like your attitude, Vol. You meet with Rudy in Kiev, and then maybe you come to Mar-A-Lago for a visit. It’s a very classy place, and unlike Washington, there are no Democrats.

Depending on how many people you bring, we could give you a very attractive discount on the rate. It would also be a nice alternative to the beaches in Crimea, right? I hear they’re kind of booked.

And, you know, Rudy likes Mar-A-Lago, too. The three of us could have dinner and talk some more about Joe Biden and what you have found out about him and his son’s doings in Ukraine.

Vol, I can tell that you and I are going to have a beautiful relationship.

Editor’s Note: This article first appeared on The Wall Street Democrat.