Hearsay Global News

Donald Trump’s notorious “big button” actually is two buttons: One is green, the other red. The former signals the grounds maintenance officer at Mar-a-Largo to water the greens in preparation for a Presidential visit. The latter signals President Putin and President Xi to ignore all White House communications for the next 48 hours.

A Pew Research survey of Americans’ opinion about a possible nuclear assault on Iran shows strongest support in trailer parks whose Evangelical residents are desperate to bring forward the Rapture before the banks foreclose on their mobile homes.

Crown Prince Mohammed bin-Salman of Saudi Arabia and Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khomeini have agreed to accept an invitation from the Oxford Union to debate the proposition: “American Policy-makers Understand Less About My Country Than Yours.”

Oprah Winfrey, two weeks into her shadow U.S. Presidential campaign, has been placed under the “concussion protocol” watch, after repeated blows received trying to break through the glass ceiling. The latter is very hard to do when it comes to the White House and the U.S. Presidency.

Macron vs. Blair

Emanuel Macron’s ambition to be the power-broker of a post-American Middle East is being obstructed by the – still – equally gargantuan ambitions of Tony Blair. He insists on holding on to that throne which, he claims, to have held the position since 2008.

It appears that Brussels is planning to broker a compromise in this emerging “squatter’s rights” affair, as the matter is known in Paris.

In a Solomonic decision based on historic precedent, Macron is accorded the position for the Levant — and Blair for the Gulf. Never to be left behind, this Macron/Blair Pact is being contested by Recep Tayyip Erdogan, who insists on acting as Ottoman suzerain of his (formerly) native populations.

In more news from France, President Macron told French journalists that he is averse to news conferences because “my thought processes are too complex for you to understand.”

Obama doesn’t like tourists

Barack Obama is in the market for a South Seas paradise along the lines of Marlon Brando’s island. He already has rejected an offer from the Chilean government of Easter Island which he declared “too touristy.”

Evidence has surfaced that Jim Comey breached the boundaries of his mandate as Director of the FBI both in initiating an investigation of the Trump campaign on flimsy evidence and in announcing fictitious new developments in the Hillary e-mail/server case.

That bipartisan approach to abuse of office has won him acclaim as a “fair and balanced” public servant. Unsurprisingly, an embryonic movement has started to promote a run for the Presidency as an Independent in 2020.

The White House is urging Republican Congressional leaders to legislate the requirement that future Presidents swear their oath of office on an autographed copy of Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged.”

The Pentagon’s new naval strategy

The Pentagon, concerned by prospects of China projecting its naval power into the Eastern Pacific, is deepening cooperation with littoral South American countries (Columbia, Ecuador, Peru and Chile). A series of major joint exercises are planned for later this year.

In a surprise announcement, a spokesman for Pacific Command – Rear Admiral John Paul Farragut – stated that Bolivia and Paraguay have been added to the list of participating navies. When queried about the appropriateness of including these two land-locked countries, Farragut described it as “long-term contingency planning.”

As he explained, in the event that global warming accelerates, having these two aboard is a hedge against an uncertain future. White House Press Spokesperson Huckabee praised the Pentagon initiative as “advancing the President’s Pivot Toward the Andes grand strategy.”

And in other news

Presidents Juan Orlando Hernandez of Honduras and James Ernesto Morales Cabrera of Guatemala have been richly rewarded for the act of faith in backing Washington at the UNSC on the Jerusalem Resolution.

Not only have they received an open-ended commitment from the Oval Office to assist in election rigging in perpetuity, but Bibi Netanyahu has endowed a foundation (with financial help from Sheldon Adelson) that will supply them and their families with generous financial support.

Finally, Prime Minister Modi of India and Prime Minister Shahid Khaqan Abbasi of Pakistan have been admonished by the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby. “Fulfilling our nation’s and church’s mission to be an offshore balancer wherever we deem fit,” he has very helpfully called on the two leaders to resolve their differences in “the spirit of Christian Brotherhood.”